Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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