i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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