he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
