I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize