Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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