I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
