help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
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We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
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your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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