i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
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It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
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I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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