The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Come share oat with me in your robe
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
