I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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