he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
