You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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