if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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