I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
