i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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