Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
