cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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