last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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