i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
