yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
