Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
