He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
