Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
