Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
