Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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