apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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