I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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