I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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