if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
