she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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