the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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