my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
