I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
