just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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