Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
