I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
