I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize