I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
