My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
