my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
