one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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