apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Did you pee in the oven last night??
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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