This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
