i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
