On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
