Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
