I will die if light touches me.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
