We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
