If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
