I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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