i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
