I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
