i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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