Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
