I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
