I think im going to throw up on grandma
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
