He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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