Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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